Mozart’s Concerto for Piano and Orchestra #26
Cake’s “Frank Sinatra”
Goo Goo Dolls’ “I Wanna Get Married”
The Cardigans’ “Love Fool”
Aretha’s “RESPECT”

You never know when that information is going to come in handy. And that, my friends, is precisely how I am Here For You.

You’re welcome. Happy Monday.

(Don’t forget to show up here on Wednesday. Because we have the fabulous, brilliant, lovely Ally Condie returning for a second interview, and I’m totally giving you a chance to win CROSSED. Already have one? Have another. Want to know how many copies are in my shelves? Or, just wait. Many, many more prizes throughout February. But our Ally is first. So get here.)

I’ve never had braces. My teeth are straightish on their own.

I’ve never been to Europe, yet somehow The Continent keeps running without me.

I’ve never taken voice lessons.

I’ve never ruined an entire load of white laundry by including a red sock or towel.

I’ve never eaten a Big Mac.

I’ve never enjoyed dusting.

I’ve never driven a motorcycle.

I’ve never operated a snowblower.

I’ve never burnt meat in a microwave.

I’ve never watched the Literal Video of “Total Eclipse of the Heart” without wetting myself. (Not actually wetting myself. Just nearly so.)

—

What have you never done?

1. It’s snowing. (Yes, it’s really me. It looks so pretty out there, I just got sucked into the moment for a moment.)

2. I’m no longer having the flu.

3. I’m 3 pounds closer to my goal weight, thanks to the aforementioned flu.

4. Husband asked for baked french fries for his birthday dinner. Yes. That is all he asked for. And a Tres Leches cake. Um, done.

5. The heater works.

6. Green olives stuffed with jalepenos and garlic.

7. I did such a good job on Kid 1′s Preference Hair. It was a masterpiece, and I’m still happy about it.

8. Email.

9. I’m going to try to make my first pecan pie today. Kid 2 played the violin in church yesterday, so she gets to choose a treat. I’ll let you know how it turns out.

10. My fingernails are all the same length.

11. You know heating pads? The kind normal people leave in a linen closet until, I don’t know, someone is sick or something? I sleep with one every night. And it makes me so glad.

12. Kid 4 wakes up at 5 M,W,and F mornings and has a quick shower then goes and watches his dad play basketball for an hour or so. He loves his dad. Also basketball.

15. Two days of school this week.

16. Half my kids have clean rooms to start the week.

17. I got a letter with very positive reviews of my subbing work. And a post-it thank you from my “supervisor” saying that I am an outstanding substitute. Don’t you think the word “outstanding” is going to make anyone feel pretty awesome?

18. Thanksgiving dinner is in the works, and most of the food on the menu is white. I am so all right with this.

19. I get to go to the chiropractor today. It’s a little like a twenty-minute massage, except I don’t have to wear someone else’s robe.

20. I think I could live for a long time on only Wheat Thins, brie cheese, and red grapes. Should I try it? Discuss.

21. Kid 3 might get The Appliance removed from her teeth by February. (She calls in Herbert. Or Frankenstein. I’m looking forward to her return to appliance-freedom.)

Today I’m appearing at Sarah M. Eden’s blog, where we discuss things like spelt, Parasitic Twin Syndrome, and Australia. Also, we exhaust my knowledge of the French language. (At least we did in the interview part. I haven’t read the finished product yet.) If you don’t know Sarah (for reasons of living under a rock or something), you’re going to want to. She’s lovely and hilarious and I am thrilled and delighted to be her Friday Friend.

CLICK ON THESE WORDS RIGHT HERE to go visit.

Oh. I do.

For a lot of years, I have been a vocal proponent of email over telephone. Because, hey — if I can give you the information you requested at your ungodly hour (any time after 10:00 p.m.) at my own ungodly hour (between 5:30 and 6:30 a.m.) then everyone wins. And I love when everyone wins.

But text? Oh, text. I love you. And I would love to kiss the face of the clever person who invented you.

Here’s why.

I love my Kids. So much. And as they get older, they still like me, too. But they spend a lot more time away from here than they used to. I love to be able to sneak my way into their lives for a quick moment, whenever I feel like it, just to tell them something that started as a normal mom-message and was auto-corrected into the most bizarre mystery of the day.[1] Some day I’ll share with you some of the intended vs. received messages we’ve done lately. Proofreaders, beware. It may be painful. [2]

Also, I love that people can tell me something really fast, in not-very-many-words, and I can respond or not, as the mood strikes me.

And it’s instant (unless you have the Wrong Phone Plan, as I once did, when messages would arrive 24 hours later… but we remedied that by having Kid 2 take my phone to DC with her and leave it there. Forever. At Arlington Cemetery, because we’re nothing if not appropriate.)

And people are clever and send texts that make me laugh.

And we all know how I love to laugh.

Also I love love notes, in the middle of meetings (mine or Husband’s).

And saying, ‘Hey, Kid, I’m here to pick you up,’ without getting out of the air-conditioned car.

And the messages that say, “I’m inside the store. What do you need?” Oh, I love those.

Not to even mention emoticons, of which there are more than I would ever care to try to learn. My favorite is this one ;>}. (the ever-popular “winking face with beak, smirk, and chin-mole”) or this one .{<; (“upside-down winking face with beak, smirk, and chin-mole” which carries a bit more of the sinister with it…)

HEY! LET’S HAVE A CONTEST! Comment with your best emoticon. And a description of what it is. Do it. You know you want to. I’ll send the winner a book. (One I wrote, your choice.) [4]

Don’t you love it when I let my stream of consciousness dictate my blog posts?

So anyway, today I shall virtually kiss the face of the inventor of TEXT MESSAGING. Ready?

:*

*Mwah*

(And one for reals - a kiss IRL, if you will...)

—

[1] I am well aware that the iPhone is too much tech for me. I know it. This knowledge does not make me love it any less.

[2] Because, really? Who puts the “send” button right where the delete key goes? Who? Who does that? Nobody who’s getting his face kissed, that’s who. [3]

[3]… but wouldn’t it be ironic if that was the same guy who invented texting? Wouldn’t it?

[4] United States or Canada only. Contest closes Sunday at midnight (hahahahahah!) or when I get up early on Monday morning. Winner will be chosen by a panel of experts (who live in my house).

Rumors, you know.
I chose not to believe them.

But I saw it today.

With my own eyes.

Pleated jeans. In the store. On a hanger, facing front, for all the world to see. As if there was no shame in it.

Oh, the humanity.

—

Don’t do it, people.

Trust me. I was alive in the 80s. I know.
I know this can only end in tears.
Fashion designers are PLAYING WITH YOU.

Together we can stand strong.

We need not give in.

Unite against the pleated jeans.

—

Who’s with me?

But hey, when you’re on a roll, even if it’s terribly weird, maybe you (you= me) should just go with it. So, in honor of Going With It, here is a small sampling of the haiku that I can write in 5 minutes while sitting right here in this un-comfy chair.

Appliance Love

I have 4 children.
So glad to have a dryer
In the winter time.

About the Green Smoothies

A liquid diet -
Veggies and fruit all blended…
Where’s the fun in that?

Table Envy

Piney dining set,
You were our first furniture,
But I want you gone.

But wait: There’s more.

Music to My Ears?

Playing or list’ning,
Practicing the violin
Brings joy and headache.

Dilema

If I buy red shoes,
Will Spring show up around here?
Or will I shelve them?

Stay tuned. I think there will be more fabulous poetry on the way.

(I know. We’re all holding our breath.)

Today, it’s the vacation rental adverts.

They’re all over my blog comments. Husband said to me the other day, “Wow. Your blog is getting really popular.” I sort of looked at him with that “duh, huh?” questioning look on my face, and he said, “You have fifty comments waiting for approval.”

Oh.

That.

Yeah, well, I only have to translate their comments into rudimentary English before I can understand what the commenter meant,  for real. Like so:

“Unsecured finance such, media or sales?Are impermanent in, there This has.People are buying, reviews These will.The God-Spark within Long Lets in Javea  Long term rentals in Javea  Villas for Rent in Javea  Letting Agents in Javea, fluctuations Then understand So even if.Vendor is my, if they breach.,”

Okay, so if I change every mis-applied capital letter to the words “awesome books” (which is clearly what the commenter had in mind) we get this:

Unsecured finance such, media or sales?Are impermanent in, there awesome books has.People are buying, reviews awesome books will.The God-Spark within Long Lets in Javea  Long term rentals in awesome books in Javea  awesome books in Javea, fluctuations awesome books understand awesome books even if.Vendor is my, if they breach.,

Then, if we change “Javea” to “Becca” (which, obviously…)

Unsecured finance such, media or sales?Are impermanent in, there awesome books has.People are buying, reviews awesome books will.The God-Spark within Long Lets in Becca  Long term rentals in awesome books in Becca  awesome books in Becca, fluctuations awesome books understand awesome books even if.Vendor is my, if they breach.,

Misused punctuation switches out to a totally realistic compliment, such as:

Unsecured finance such, media or just found your website, and I am thrilled to be here. impermanent in, there awesome books has. People are buying, reviews awesome books will.The God-Spark within Long Lets in Becca When I discovered your books, I found a place that I could escape – to laugh, cry, explore, and love. Long term rentals in awesome books in Becca  awesome books in Becca, fluctuations awesome books understand awesome books even if.Vendor is my, if they breach and I will be visiting your site often, and buy your books as gifts for all my friends.

Then we take out all the totally worthless stupid parts, and voila! We have a comment to be proud of:

While I was waiting for my online donation to a worthy charity organization to go through, I just found your website, and I am thrilled to be here. I am so glad I can find a way to tell you how much I adore your awesome books. People are buying them, and leaving reviews all over the web – they’re offering reasons for conversation, as awesome books will.The God-Spark within your stories speaks to my soul, Becca. When I discovered your books, I found a place that I could escape – to laugh, cry, explore, and love. Diving in to awesome books in your style, Becca, is my greatest joy. I love to tell my friends about  awesome books in Becca’s voice, awesome books we can relate to, understand even if our usual favorites contain undead boyfriends. Yours are awesome books even if we only like kleptomaniac zombie mermaids of the apocalypse.This is my point, if you keep writing such delightful words and sentences, I will be visiting your site often, and buy your books as gifts for all my friends.

See how easy it is to fool myself?

I know what they MEANT to say.

Obviously.

* lick the hot-fudge-frosting pan

* growl at the Kids who were only 3 minutes behind schedule

* brag about my key lime pie until it is almost all I can think about (while I’m trying not to eat sugar)

* cry in public

* roll my eyes at that thing I should NOT discuss

* agree to feed 60+ kids (cast, crew and orchestra) at the High School “White Christmas” rehearsal tonight

* steal a blog post idea from Ann (or maybe I meant to…)

* learn what this means: the second inversion of a primary triad (while helping my SIX-YEAR-OLD do his piano theory)

* back the minivan into the little-tiny snow bank on the day of the first real snowfall

* tell my b-i-l that I am still (after all these years) afraid to walk up the basement steps because SOMETHING is surely reaching for my ankles – so I have to take it at a jog or suffer the blood-pressure effects

* receive a rather remarkable gift, book-shaped, signed, and very, very hyped (page 2, middle), with a cover that gives me chills every time I glance at the gorgeous green-dressed girl in the bubble

* misplace the blue nail polish after applying only one coat

* stare out the window at the snow for WAY too long

* become addicted to edamame

* agree to discuss putting up the Christmas tree (tonight)

* steal/borrow Husband’s last $20 so I can go out to lunch with C today

* call it good after writing 300 words

Husband returns today from his journeys to the Far East*. And there is much rejoicing.

Kid 1 did sleep the sleep of the teenage girl (from 2.45 a.m. until 5.40 a.m.) as a result of the midnight showing of Harry. No rest for the wicked? Also no rest for the anxiously engaged. However, The Mama? Yea, verily, owing to a deficiency of Good Mother Genes, she did sleep the sleep of the just.

The part of Ginny Weasley will be played by Kid 1

And verily, Kids 2, 3, and 4 watched “My Dog Skip” and there were tears of sadness and frustration. In the main, the tears were related to the predicted (and predictable) outcome of a Dog movie, but perchance some tears were directly descended from “My Dog Skip” having no connection to the above-mentioned Harry. And thus saith The Mama, “No chance you are seeing that Harry movie. Sorry, Pal.”

Yea, verily, the house is in a state of cleanliness. Words do verily appear on document pages. Gifts are wrapped. Clothing is cleansed. The end of the week loometh cheery and snowy in our little family’s future.

And there is much rejoicing.

*Not that far East. Boston. Far enough.