Friday, March 2, 2012

Nunsense

Posted in anxiety, help, singing

I’m in another musical.

I know. I’m seeking help.

But this one’s FUNNY. I’m playing Sister Mary Hubert in NUNSENSE, and I tap dance. And sing gospel. And strut across the stage. Also, I tell jokes. Which is where you come in. I need a few extra jokes for half-time warm-up. That’s not really what it’s called. That’s just what I call it. But I get to open Act II, and if you know any funny Nun jokes, or Catholic jokes, or Mormon jokes, or Bible jokes (Okay, and let’s keep it G-rated, people, can we?) I want them.

The show starts next weekend and runs Saturdays through March, 7:00 at Timpanogos Valley Theatre, 100 North and 100 West in Heber City. Tickets here or at the door.

End of advertisement. Back to your lives.

Posted in anxiety, help, singing

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Sarah A. - i know a joke about the pope. Wanna hear it? Okay:

So, two guys are visiting Rome and go to the Vatican. As they enter St. Peter’s, they are joking around and being loud and obnoxious…They’re also eating a bag of peanuts…and they keep dropping shells on the floor.

As they stand there a procession comes towards them, and they realize the Pope is at the front. As he reaches them he stops, looks them in the eyes, and mutters something in latin while making a cross with his hand in front of them.

Then he walks away.

The two guys are stunned. The first guy says to the other, “I can’t believe it! We just got a blessing from the Pope!”

The second guy says, “I know! I wish I could’ve understood what he said! We’re so lucky!”

(The punchline has actions…so I put them in parenthesis.)

A nearby cardinal approaches them and says, “Let me translate: (pointing with two fingers at the first guy) YOU. (Motioning toward the floor) PICK THAT UP! (Motioning to the left) TAKE HIM! (Motioning to the right) AND GET OUT OF HERE!!!”

tee hee… ;) March 2, 2012 – 9:01 am

DeNae - We’re comin’, Sister! Get it? Sister? Hee hee! I’m going to buy my ticket right now!March 2, 2012 – 5:00 pm

DeNae - Oh, and I know a joke about the Pope, too: Is the Pope a Catholic? No, he’s a potato!

A-hahahahaha…wait. That joke only works in Spanish. Never mind.March 2, 2012 – 5:01 pm

Dad - So Moses hears the burning bush ask, “Would you like the good news or the bad news first?” Naturally, he says, “Good news.”
“Moses, you will lead your people out of their captivity in Egypt. There will be plagues of flies, and frogs and locusts. At your command, the river Nile will run red with blood. The Red Sea will part for you so that your people can cross on dry ground. You will strike the rock and fresh water will spring forth. You’ll be fed with manna and quail in the wilderness. You’ll be led by a pillar of cloud by day and fire by night.”
Moses is blown away. He says, “If that’s the good news, what could possibly be the bad news?”
“Moses, you have to write the environmental impact statement.”March 3, 2012 – 1:46 pm

Stacy - How many church choir directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Who knows? It’s not like anyone was paying attention.

How do you know if a plane full of sopranos is going to crash?
The engine stops, but the whining doesn’t.

Q: How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?

A: If it’s Relief Society, it takes four.
One to fix refreshments,
One to bring the tablecloth,
One to design the centerpiece,
And one to screw in the light bulb.

If it’s the Bishopric, forget it,
They don’t do light bulbs.
They call a Priesthood Executive Council
And delegate it to the Elders.

If it’s the Elders, it takes four.
Three that don’t show up, and
One to change the bulb.

If it’s the High Priests, it takes four.
Two to push the wheel chairs,
One to handle the oxygen tank,
And one to screw in the light bulb.

If it’s the Home Teachers, it only takes two,
But you have to wait until the end of the month.March 3, 2012 – 9:12 pm

Kazzy - I’ll bet you are the best on Erin the whole show!

Ps my great-aunt was a nun, and her brother a priest. He baptized me when I was a little catholic baby.March 3, 2012 – 10:22 pm

Mimi - I am so coming opening night!!! We get in on Thursday, think you could go out for a shake with us after the show?March 4, 2012 – 8:32 pm

Carolyn V - AWESOME!!! You will be so great at that! I wish I had a good joke, but alas, I don’t know any.March 5, 2012 – 12:57 pm

OmaHeck - Here’s a few…
The Pope dies and is met by an escort into the afterlife. He’s astounded by the amazing flowers, trees, fields and scenery. He says to his guide, “This is what I always imagined Heaven would look like!” His guide says, “Heaven?!? No, no! This is Hell! Those Mormons can irrigate anything!”

Some Biblical Humor:
What Biblical character had no mother?
Joshua, he was the son of Nun.

Where do we see motorcycles prophesied in the Old Testament?
Joshua’s Triumph roared throughout the land.

Tennis?
Joseph served in Pharoah’s court

Did you know that Lehi had a pet?
Sure, he was told to take his family (and flea) into the wilderness.

I have a really great one in Spanish, but really only Argentine Spanish (and maybe Uruguayan, too), so I’m guessing that won’t work for your audience.

About now is when I have to dip into the PG bag, so I’ll sign off!

PS You could always play the Hell scene from South Park: “The Mormons… yes, I’m sorry, Mormons was the right answer.”March 5, 2012 – 8:10 pm

L.T. Elliot - I saw a NUNSENSE play once and I loved it! They really are funny!March 12, 2012 – 4:27 pm

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